Television has ruined my life.

21 Jan

Finally! I have something to talk about. Television. I’ve been watching a lot of television. I really do mean a lot. I’ve burned through nearly four seasons of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, the first season of Community and two seasons of Archer. You see, my preferred method of watching TV is to let the show run for a couple of seasons, find out (from trusted sources) whether or not it’s worth a watch and then binge on it for as long as it takes.

TV binging is not without its price, however. It is a cold, unforgiving habit. It has destroyed my sleeping pattern entirely. I woke up at 2pm this morning. 2pm? No big deal, right? You do that every weekend, every one does. Look again. I said ‘2pm in the morning.’ Yes, I realise that that doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense but relative to my sleeping schedule it is as accurate as I could possibly be. Slowly, over the period of a month or two, I’ve been going to bed later and later as I get pulled further and further into the binge. 3am quickly became 8am and now waking up at 8pm isn’t entirely out of the question. In fact, 6-7pm is an average wake-up-time these days.

Waking up at this ridiculous time and going to bed when others are getting up was a novelty for a while. It really was. But that wore off pretty quickly. It doesn’t take many days of not seeing sunlight to break your spirit. And yet, the TV beckons. ‘Come to me’, it calls. Its voice is soothing and warm. ‘We have so much to watch together.’

It’s a horrible, horrible cycle. It’s also one that is extremely hard to break out of. There are only a few options open to those who wish to correct their sleeping pattern;

The Hard Reset

In which the subject pushes through the entire day in order to fall asleep at a regular time. This is a hard one, but it has the fastest results. Usually the subject is fuelled by large amounts of caffeine and, as such, will spend most of the day in the bathroom begging for the sweet mercy of sleep.

The Clockwork Man

A time consuming option. For this, the subject attempts to stay up an extra hour or so with each succesive night, with the goal of gradually pushing their sleeping schedule back to a suitable time period. This one requires time and is probably off-limit to the employed and people with lives.

The Reverse Clockwork Man

In which the subject attempts to continually go to bed a little earlier than the previous night in order to right their sleeping pattern. This technique is less time consuming than The Clockwork Man, when done correctly, but can prove to be more difficult. Falling asleep at an earlier time is a challenge.

The Fool’s Errand

The riskiest of the techniques. The Fool’s Errand must only be used out of desperation. For example, at 8am this morning, I was suddenly reminded that I was working from 3pm the next day. This posed a problem. Even if I was able to get to sleep immediately, I would risk oversleeping. And thus, the Fool’s Errand is simply the act of going to bed at the normal time and attempting to wake up when you have to, anyway.

I’m not going to talk about the shows I’ve mentioned in great detail. They’re all fantastic comedies. Anyone reading this should at least try them out if they haven’t already. Out of the three, I’m finding it hard to pick a favourite, they’re all so different. Just watch them and then come back to this blog when your sleeping pattern is as fucked up as mine is.

In other news, I’m going to a concert tomorrow night. Explosions in the Sky. I’ll try and take pictures. If I remember. Which I, inevitably, won’t. But I will enjoy it. And I may have something to write about. Maybe some drunk dude will vomit on someone, maybe I will be that drunk dude vomitting on someone. We’ll see.



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