How I Stole Christmas

20 Dec

The more I think about it, the more I realise that I have a tendency to make grief arise in situations where it is just not necessary. As you may remember a few years ago the Nintendo Wii was released and it was a pretty ‘big thing’. As Christmas approached, it became increasingly difficult to get a hold of one if you hadn’t already ordered it months in advance.

This is key to the story. You see, this year I had decided to jump on the bandwagon and therefore I just needed a Wii for Christmas. I asked my parents.

“Yes, dear son. Of course we shall buy you this wonderful contraption.”

At the time, apart from feeling grateful, I couldn’t shake the feeling that they just couldn’t fathom how important it was that they pre-order this shit right that second.

I did what any rational being would have done in my situation and commenced Operation: Annoy the Shit Out of Them About It.

Operation: Fecal Botherer was a success. One might say that it was, perhaps, too successful. It began with me telling my parents outright, “Look, guys. You’re gonna have to order this thing.” “Okay, son.” But, they didn’t understand. I knew they didn’t. I was never getting the Wii. I’d have to take measures into my own hands.

I bothered them for weeks. I must have been intolerable. And then, one day I went into town by myself, found a shop and asked them about pre-orders. It was sorted. I’d go home, badger my mum to ring them and it would all be perfect. Operation: Shit Storm was slowly coming to its grand climax.

The moment I got home, I ran upstairs to find my mum in her bedroom ironing. And this was it. I had gone one step too far. No sooner had I told her about the shop, she threw the clothes on the floor, knocked the ironing board over and smashed the iron through the window.

Okay, that didn’t happen. But it might soften the blow for the horror that came next. My mother said something to me that I will never forget.

She opened the wardrobe and pulled out a large white box. It said ‘Nintendo’ in blue letters across the side.

“There you go. Christmas is ruined.” She said and walked out of the room.

I could feel contractions starting in my chest and my left arm went numb. My vision blurred. I fell to my knees and cried out to the heavens.

My mission was complete, but at what cost?

So that’s my story of how I ruined Christmas a few years ago. I think its one of the shittiest feelings I’ve ever had. I think that was when I realised that I suck as a person.

But anyway, this will most likely be my last blog post before Christmas. Aside from wanting to work on other things, my family house out in the country doesn’t actually have the internet. That’s how dated things are out there. I’m going to be hitching on the back of the next horse-drawn carriage heading out that way and I can only hope I’m there before Christmas Eve or my eventual death by freezing. By January, I’ll hopefully have a whole lot of shit to talk about that I’ve had to save over the break.

Oh yeah, I still haven’t mentioned the new Louis CK show, ‘Live at the Beacon Theatre’. Well, Louis CK (possibly the best comedian ever) has a new live show. You can buy it from his website for whatever the UK equivalent of $5 is. It’s cheap, it comes with 3 Downloads, 2 Streams and it’s fucking hilarious.

Seriously, if you’ve never heard of the guy before (and why the fuck haven’t you?) go watch him on youtube. He’s amazing.

If you have heard of him, then you have no reason to wait. You’ve been informed now.

Have a good holiday.

Gavin

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