A Thank You

27 Nov

I have another story. It’s a story that makes me smile every time I think about it. It’s a perfect display of the idiocy a human being is capable of displaying.

When I was living in the student halls of residence, I was returning from a night out with some friends, when the most amazing thing happened. It began with a desperate cry for help.

Okay, stop.

Before I continue, I’ll need to provide some background information on the area. The halls of residence have quite a lot of security, especially at night time. Residents there have to show their student ID and their room card in order to get back in after a certain time. Now, as you can imagine, this can prove to be quite a problem for pissed non-residents trying to gain entrance. On some occasions it can also be a tricky task for pissed people that actually live there.

There was, however, another way in. A back door of sorts. And by back door I mean a tree that grew close enough to one of the surrounding fences (that were topped with barbed wire) that you could climb over. So, back to the story.

There was a cry for help. A desperate, anxious plea. We had just passed through the security checkpoint and the scream seemed to be coming from somewhere to our left. I’m not sure why, but at that moment every one in the group decide to run to the source of the screaming. Perhaps, for some, it was out of a sense of obligation, a need to save someone in distress. Personally, I was just really fucking curious about what was happening.

We came to the fence that, for so many, was a gateway into the sanctity of the halls of residence and now, for one unfortunate soul, it had become his demise. The cries for help were coming from a guy on the other side of the fence. Further investigation (climbing the fence and having a look over) revealed that this guy had managed to get himself stuck in the tree. He had tried to pull himself up onto a branch and, unable to support his own weight (he wasn’t exactly an active looking fellow), had fallen.

But that’s not the good part.

He had fallen in such a way that his foot had become lodged in a hole in the tree. He wasn’t strong enough to pull himself up and out of the hole, but if he let go of the branch that he was hanging on to he would surely have broken his ankle/leg/whatever in the midst of the fall.

The immediate reaction for the majority of the group was, “We have to help this poor bastard.” My reaction was different. My reaction was more along the lines of “Holy shit, this is fucking hilarious.” I couldn’t help myself, I laughed, I laughed and I still laugh about it sometimes.

But wait, the story isn’t over there. This guy is still in the tree, isn’t he? There has to be a conclusion, doesn’t there? Well, there is one. My friends are still trying to help this guy, talking and trying to calm him down, one of them has scaled the tree and is trying to pull him out and another is trying to free his foot from the hole. But he’s still screaming for help. Apparently oblivious to the people actively helping him, he continues to shout “Someone help! Please!” over and over again, begging to be saved.

At this point, he’d drawn quite a bit of attention to himself. A few more people had arrived to watch this spectacle unfold, a couple of security guards were present and a few more had went around to the other side of the fence in order to help. So, as well as already being quite evidently distressed, this guy now had an audience for his terrible one-man show. And then some late arrivals showed up, as they always do, although in this case, their mode of transport was a fire engine.

At long last, the guy finally got out of the tree. As far as I could see, the only reason the fire engine had showed up was so that the firemen could all have a laugh. He was escorted away somewhere by the security guards and I haven’t seen him since.

Mysterious tree-climber, wherever you are, thank you so much for such wonderful entertainment.

Your biggest fan,



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